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The World according to Hilda Sloan


Deer Me

Hildegard Funkmyster
Steps in - Hilda is Indisposed

Hello, my KW, Cupcakes. One of my boys who is originally from Virginia sent me an article that I wanted to share with you boys down there. This small town in Va is full of hunters that like to go out during certain times of the year and kill deer. Why I'll never know but that's another story for another time.
Well, anyway a lot of these people kill the deer and either don't like the meat or can't use all of it so they take it to a local deer meat processing plant that specializes in deer meat. The wonderful owners of the deer slaughter house process the meat and give it out to the poor or other needy people in the town. I think it is just wonderful that they are thoughtful enough to share their kill with the poorer people in the town.
Maybe they have extra and I could call and see if I could get some frozen deer meat shipped to KW for you boys that are having trouble after the storm. I guess you would have to pay for the transporttion but it probably isn't that much. Maybe FEMA would cover the shipment for you.
I have seen venison (farm raised deer) on menus for a lot of money so it would be a real treat for you boys.
They also showed them making smoked deer sausage which they say is delicious. Maybe I could get some of that for you too.
They were thinking of also donating squirrels, rabbits and small birds for the poor but figured there wasn't enough meat on the bones to be worth the trouble.
So boys just know there is help out there if you look for it

Sorry that I haven't posted for a couple of days, Cupcakes, I haven't posted because a friend came and took me up north for a couple of days. They said I needed to dry out from nipping the gin that you sent me. It didn't work. I still have a nice stash hidden from the nurses in the bottom of my cedar chest. However, I'm running a low on vermouth, so if any of you boys are over this way you can drop it off to me. Just ask for Hildegard, the one with the hat. Everyone here knows me.

Hilda Loves a Good Wake

This was in the morning paper and I thought I would share it with you to share how great the federal government is and how FEMA is doing so much to help people.
There was a woman who died in this area from flying debris from Wilma.
Her body was taken to a local funeral home. She had grown kids. Together all 7 of them couldn't scrap up $900.00 to bury her. I repeat 7 grown kids didn't have the money to bury her...the funeral director gave them 8 days and held the body unburied until they came up with the money. They never did so the county came in and paid the $900.00 to bury her in a cardboard box in a pauper grave.
About a week after this happened and the poor woman was laid to rest the daughter got wind that FEMA would pay up to $7500 for her Mama to get a decent burial. She said her Mama always wanted to be buried about 30 miles away in a family burial plot with her Mama and Daddy. So the funeral director is going to have the body removed from the pauper grave, put in a nicer casket, transported the 30 miles and buried like her Mama always wanted. The daughter said in the paper that if it is the last thing she does in her life, her 6 brothers and sisters will fight to get Mama a decent burial and carry out her last wishes. Funny how they didn't care about decent burial or Mama's last wishes when they were paying. In the meantime you and I going going to pay for Mama to have a decent burial to the tune of $7500.00
I hope there is money left over for a decent luncheon after the proper burial with an open bar that serves gin because I plan to attend.
Anyone want to join me at FEMA's expense. You all know that I never turn down a little nip of gin.

Hilda Returns to Power

Darling'ks, SHALOM, from Naples, Fl.
sorry that we haven't had time to report to you all about all the good things that Myrna and I have been doing to help the wealthy in Naples during Wilma. We prefer helping them here in Naples, which is very wealthy, like me.

Now here's the problem and for once we need your advise. The poor people, the domestics, cooks, service industry people are all complaining that they are turning on the electricity of the rich neighborhoods first and haven't even gotten to the poor neighborhoods yet. I, Hilda Sadie Sloan, being very wealthy myself feel this is the right thing to do. When you think about it us rich ones pay most of the taxes. The poor underlings don't make much so how can they pay much? Since we pay more why shouldn't we get serviced first. I say that us wealthy ones also supply the poor people with jobs so if we have electricity we will be able to pay them and they will once again be able to buy rice and beans for all their kids.
We have been so grateful to be able to share our wealth with the less fortunate also. At this Ritz where we are staying we are leaving the maid 50 cents a day as a tip for cleaning our room. Just to see the smile on her face as she spies the 2 shining quarters that we leave on the expensive dresser and her appreciation for the tip makes it all worth it to Myrna and me. We also leave a little food on the plate from our room service dinners so she will see how well we live and strive to be some day as wealthy as we are. After all I was a bus boy at one time in my Daddy's restaurant and worked my way up in the business until I now have people run it for me. Isn't this country great?
Myrna and I thought if any group would have an opinion on this it would be the eclectic group that live in KW.
I just know that you people will agree with me that the wealthy should be taken care of first.

Hilda Helps Naples

Hello darlings'k, my sister Myrna and I decided since we helped the poor black people in the shelters during Katrina with our culinary skills that we should now go down to Naples, Fl and help the white wealthy whites in their shelters. Myrma says she bets that the rich white people in Naples are just there in the shelters for free food and so they don't have to pay for a hotel some place up the coast.
We have heard that although the people down there in Naples are well heeled they are also notoriously thrifty. Somewhat like us Jewish people except in different ways. It will be interesting to see when we get there.
We have heard that the main past time time down there is for the rich to go to those "Get Wealthy" lunch seminars where the companies solicit new customers by inviting the people to "free" lunches at top restaurants.
The catch is they must listen to a 2 hour sales pitch about the latest gimic of avoiding taxes, or how well tax deferred annunities can shelter their money or how you can give millions to the grandchildren now and avoid all those nasty taxes. As we all know the poor and middle class are the ones that are supposed to pay taxes. We wealthy people have accountants that "take care of things" for us and we usually pay virtually nothing. Usually they come eat the upscale food usually a small filet mignon, drink the iced tea and sometimes beer and wine and go home to their mansions and never invest a dime with their host's company.
It is a game played every day in the rich communities such as Naples.
Now back to the shelters. I wonder what we will serve them down there....rice and beans? We will keep you posted. We are busily packing our finest jeans, silk shirts, imported shoes and make up kits to wing on down to Naples.. Of course, I will be buying Myrna's ticket but what's the hell. Whare are big sisters for if not to take care of their lesser endowed, oh I mean, money endowmenet not dick endowed sisters. As you know us Jewish girls took the 10% cut and some such as Myrna actually couldn't afford to loose it. Of course she is good with her other end that makes some men lust after her and makes up for her cut smll endowment.
I hope she behaves herself on the plane this time and doesn't try to blow the whole crew. The last time she was winking at the captain and gave him her cell phone number as she was leaving the plane. That happens everytime I, being the generous person that I am, buy her a first class ticket and she drinks too much because the booze is free.. I am thinking of putting her poor ass in coach this flight but who would I have to kabbbitz to if she weren't beside me. What I do for my poor friend is just another example of how compassionate and generous I am to her.
Hilda Sadie Sloan
Your wealthy Jewish princess who is always helping others including the rich in Naples

Hilda Rides a Cab

Darlings'k, Myrna and I have been so fuckin' busy with all that's been going on. As you may have heard some cute producer has asked us Jewish girls from Birmingham to write sketches for SNL in NYC. Well, we were put on a plane, in first class of course, to go to the Big Apple to get agents and join the union. Myrna was just thrilled that they gave us free drinks on the plane. The poor dear had never been in first class and didn't know you could drink all you wanted. Darlings'k that was a mistake. She made a pass and winked at all the stewards and gave the captain her phone number written on a napkin with her new lipstipck that I had just bought for her. I have been fronting ALL her money until the checks start rolling in. I, a woman of money, class and southern upbringing was mortified, although I must admit the captain was cute and had that twinkle in his eye. You all know what twinkle I mean.

Well, here is where the trouble up there in NYC begins. We got in to one of those NYC cabs and it was driven by some smelly man with a orange towel on his head. Immediatgely Myrna screams I'll bet he is a terrorist. I said no honey, no one that smells like a camel and has breath of hummus could be one of those. He drove like a bat out of hell and that old cab was bouncing us around like Hurricane Katrina on a good day. I said to this immigrant or whatever he was, "Slow the fuck down, you have future stars in the back here". About that time he hit a bump and your sisters head hit the top of the fuckin cab and our teeth clattered and our wigs went a flying. It broke one of my new expensive, gold porcelin crowns and I am pissed. I said Myrna let's get the fuck out of this thing and walk. I gave him the the fare and a no tip which I felt was fair since he almost killed your sisters and I do have to replace the expensive, gold, porcelin crown that he broke. He didn't seem happy but I said don't worry some other stupid southerner will be along soon to take their lives in their hands with you. I hear that employment is high up there in NY and I wonder why we can't get some Americans to drive these cabs.

ANYWAY, your rich and poor Jewish sisters from Birmingham are proud to be able toonce again help serve the needs of those poor, barflies in KW that need us.
Thank gawd some kind, gentlemen have created a place for our knowledgable voice to be heard once again.

ps At least they have good corned beef on rye sandwiches in this town.


Hilda Eats Cake

Darlings'k, hello, SHALOM, it's so good to have a voice again.  We have so much to tell you KW people that moi hardly knows where to start.I do need to say what a wonderful country the USA is. 

We were in a very expensive, upscale bakery today where the prices were VERY high.  Poor Myrna only could afford a small homentash (sp) danish but I being very wealthy and with tons of cash decided to buy a butter cream pound cake for the holidays.  We are very Jewish you know.  It is our holiday and we had been to the f***ing synagogue listening to bad singing all day and praying our asses off to attone for all the sins that we have committed all year so I decided that I would treat us to a butter cream pound cake that was in the case.  It was terribly expensive for such a small cake but I thought you are RICH, Hilda, and you have done sooo much for others lately that it is time for you to treat yourself.  Well, as I am removing the the cake from the rotating case I noticed there was a sign that said "Food stamps accepted here"  I thought isn't that wonderful that they allow the poor underpriviledged people to partake of this kind of decadence and  allow the poor to see how us wealthy people live and taste our expensive food and the taxpayers EVEN pay for it. 

I was so proud of our government that they treated the other half so well.  Just think if it wasn't for the food stamp program these poorlings wouldn't know what things that us rich eat all the time tasted like.  I JUST LOVE THIS COUNTRY!


Duchess's Note

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