If you're hard on your uppers then how about cashing in on this current craze for amateur strip contests. It seems like every where you go from the Key West bar to the East End boozer is encouraging their punters to bare all for cash, and we reckon it's about time you cashed in on this easy arsed money. However, before you go dropping those 'not-so-smalls', it's probably worth your while genning up on our 10 half-assed tips.
Practice makes perfect, and just because you can manage to amble out of your skiddies before collapsing into bed – don't make you a stripper. Get thee a full length mirror and ask yourself "is this sexy?" as you tease those socks off. If your arse could quite happily house a couple of mountain bikes, then perhaps it's down to the gym for you. Why not work through your routine with a friend beforehand – the last thing you want is to take out several members of the front row, with the classic 'trapped-foot-in-gusset-fling'.
Seasoned strippers have been known to use a trick or two to make their whoppers far more 'whop worthy'. Elastic bands around the base of your man snake is supposed to make to keep it looking it's mightiest, for longer. Do be aware that dog breeders use a similar technique to dock the tails of small dogs. You wouldn't want your showstopper to become a show dropper.
There are some corners that you just can't cut in stripping. Don't be tempted to plump for cheap substitutes when it comes to a spot of lubrication. The temptation to replace baby oil with certain, cheaper, alternatives has been the downfall of many an entertainer. Washing up liquid is a serious no-no. The last thing you want, when you're bending over for your big close up, is a for a sneaky toot to shower the audience with 'soapy bum' bubbles.
The art of stripping is to whip the crowd up into a wild frenzy so that they're suitably prepared for the sight of your swinging bits. Why not bag yourself a sexy uniform to help woo your public? We say steer clear from the tried and tested Policeman and Fire Fighter route. We reckon there's sexual mileage to be had from the 'Cocky Car Clamper' or 'Rock-Hard Road Sweeper' route.
Presentation is everything in this game. Your love gear has to have instant snack-a-blity, and you're unlikely to win over the crowd with a low flying fuzzy wonder. Unkempt pubes can lose you an all-important inch or two in the length department. Also, do bear in mind that you'll be working under hot stage lights, and a bushy bounty can be classed as a fire hazard.
The best strippers are renowned for audience participation. Punters will literally lap you up if you leap off the stage and embark on a royal walk-a-bout in the buff. Do as the Queen does, and never fully engage in any stray wanton handshake, else it could all end in tears.
It's worth bearing in mind that, once you've got starkers in front of a packed boozer, you`ve still got to entertain the masses. No matter how beautiful you consider your todger to be, it's going to need a little party piece of it's very own. Why not practise a little comedy flick to put the fear of god into the punters on the front row. That darn 'Puppetry of the Penis' show has raised the stakes when it comes to genital gyrations. You're going to need 'loop the loop' love gear to stay ahead in this game.
The more athletic among you may wish to involve the punters in your show, by dragging some googly-eyed loon onto the stage to witness the finer details of your undercarriage. Take care when selecting your prey, as the over-keen are renowned for their over-tight grip. We say aim for the older gentlemen in the audience, who look like they may be wearing falsies, of the teeth variety. That way, if they do lose themselves and latch onto your love pump, you'll avoid any gnashing marks.
Don't fool yourself into thinking that stripping is a simple business. Clothes on / clothes off just doesn't cut the mustard these days. The more professional erotic dancer will have a prop or two to help make their turn that little bit more memorable. The key is not to get too carried away with your newfound freedom. As a general rule of thumb, don't get 'personally' involved with anything that can, and will, get lost. If all else fails, simply plump for the 'beating an unsuspected punter around the kisser with love gear routine'. Works every time.